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Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Eastern Intoxication Days 17-19: Babesburgh and Final days in Ohio

Adam hanging on a bridge in Pittsburgh

We arrived at one of the biggest party cities on the entire tour: Pittsburgh. As soon as we got there the place was crawling with good-looking humans. On every god-forsaken corner there was a perfect 10. And every dude looked better then me. Unfortunately, this was the only night on the tour where I was really sick, so I probably had the sexual appeal of garbage juice. Although the guy with the most sex appeal in Pittsburg is Sidney Crosby, maybe all a guy needs to do is get a dopey hair cut and have a permanent confused look on your face and you will have chicks swinging from your shwanz. Either way when we got into town I felt like dog shit so I crashed in the van while the rest of the dudes went off and had crazy adventures.  Adam and Eytan went for a bike ride around the city and Ego and Suarez got their faces pierced. The whole while I was curled in a ball with a fucked up fever. We still did the gig and had some fun onstage. We signed some CDs and decided to head to a motel for the night. Adam did a bit of brain thinking and found us a motel 6 that was about half hour away for a reasonable price.  So we call and tell them to hold a room and said we would be staying the night with them. We drove all the way there to find out that the cunting motel receptionist sold our room to some other shmohawk. Are you fucking kidding me miss? Ma’am, are you aware that you are a monster?
Eytan hanging on the bridge in Pittsburgh
One thing that we are getting better at on tour is taking shitty situations and turning it into a good situation. Upon initial defeat at the hands of an ug-o-mug of a motel receptionist we said fuck you and drove further down the road to a hotel 8! And if you know simple math, a motel 8 is 2 better then a motel 6. We win.
The next morning Rich conned the motel to let us sleep in and not check out at noon.  We left the room refreshed and I was feeling much better after a comfortable nights sleep and a nice hot shower. We left the motel in the afternoon only to realize that our check engine light was on.  And as an act of god, we were right across the street from a Firestone mechanic. So we parked it and got it checked out. We used our powers of positivity to take this time, instead of being bummed out about spending so much damn time and money at a stinky firestone outside of Pittsburgh and biked to the grocery store to get some BBQ for our grill. We had a monster cookout. Fat boneless chicken sandwiches, veggies and fruit.  We set up in the parking lot on a beautiful day and skateboarded around like dinks and ate good food. As soon as we finished breakfunch our vehicle was fixed and good to go. Turns out we needed to replace a valve or some such nonsense. $500 please.
Looks like NY
This left our asses fairly soar, but we headed to Cleveland anyways. We were meeting up with our metal brothers (and sister!) in the Vindicator camp. I have always had a soft spot for these guys since we played a mini tour with them a year or 2 ago and we had a legendary time. Since the last time I had seen them, they replaced 2 members. I miss the original line up, but these new guys are absolutely slammin’! Guitar superstar James J. LaRue on guitars and an awesome finger style bass player named Mike Kurtz.
Our first show with Vindicator was absolute fucking mayhem. It was at another underground punk venue that was just filthy. Only this one had an indoor skate park attached to it as well as a nice stage and wicked dance floor. An absolute gem of a venue. These punks live life on the edge. The band that played after Vindicator named Nazi Dust had one of the most destructive and fucked up shows I have seen in a long time. They brought fireworks into the building and shot them off inside as they were playing. The fireworks bounced off the walls and scattered everywhere. Then one fell over and shot one right into the audience. Fucking mayhem. At one point in the set a fan asked for a free shirt, and the singer suggested that he could have one for free if he let them pee on him. One thing led to another and 2 fellas took a big steamy piss all over him. These are my people!

Ice Creeeeeaaaammm!
The next day was our last day of the tour so we decided to have a little fun and celebrate. Our new buddy and Vindicator associate named Aleckz took care of us and took us to the K Mart to get some food and then took us to a beautiful ravine to have an enormous Fatality-Vindicator cookout. As soon as we got there we were in paradise. We set up our BBQ and started cooking burgers, dogs, steaks, chicken drumsticks and corn. We also had a few Keystone Lights. Connected to where we were cooking was a path that leads to a beautiful river for swimming. Paradise. Really what you would think Eden looked like. We were having a great time before a Cop showed up. He pulled up and started harassing us. He asked to search our shit and he came across one single Keystone can on the bench. He then threatened us with impounding our vehicle and charging each of us $1000 in fines. I played along, but I wasn’t scared of this dink. We explained to him that we are Canadian metal musicians on our last day of tour in America. Then his face lit up and he said, “My brother is in a metal band that just got signed to a major label.” And explained that he was friends with the band Mushroomhead. Then told us to stay and hang out if we wanted to and admitted that he was being a bit of an asshole. We gave him a free download card so he could go home and listen to our music. He then gave me a card as well and said one of the funniest things I have heard on the entire tour. He said “Take this and tell all your friends about the dick head cop who fucked with you at the park.” And there was his name: Officer Mike Goodrich. God bless America.
Ravine party with Aleckz

Ego on Bass in North Canton at Sadie Rene's
Next show was in North Canton. The last show of the tour. We were playing with Mortifier and Vindicator. We opened the show at around 9:45 and were having such a good time we were making patrons crack up during our sound check. We had an absolute blast. We got Andrew Ego to play bass for No Use for the Living. I didn’t even realize we did the switch until I looked over my shoulder and saw Andrew carving into the Bass guitar like a complete animal. And Skippy ran around and moshed with everyone. Such a nice way to end the trip playing a song with Andrew. I told the audience, “Andrew is a winner in the heavy metal make a wish foundation, and as you can see by his physical appearance, he has a full blown case of AIDS.” Andrew Ego has the bone structure of Mr. Burns, but I love him anyway.
Finally back in Ontario on the way home.. 6:30am
As I write this I am heading back to Toronto on an overnight drive. I have mixed feelings about going home. I think I am fairly saddened to stop the party, but maybe its time I get back to reality. Plus I miss my piano. I think I can safely say that this has without a doubt been the craziest, most unpredictable and unforgettable experience of my life. I have met some amazing people and witnessed some amazing shit in the past month. I have also seen the best and worst that life has to offer. I have experienced life in perpetual motion. I think the greatest lesson I have learned from this trip is that life can get exponentially better and exponentially worse at any moment. So don’t get too comfortable folks, and do your best to appreciate the good times, the good people and the good places, because they are the things that really make life worthwhile. The Fatality boys and I may not have all the money in the world, but we have more than most people. And I’m not talking about possessions.
Can’t wait to see my family back home!
Group shot with Vindicator and friends in North Canton on the last day :)

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