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Monday, June 06, 2011

Things to do on Public Transit

Have you ever been on the subway or public transit in a big city and got way too fuckin’ bored? You had already run through an inventory of your brain and you just finished scratching your ass. Mankind has been plagued with the public transport blues since their invention. I have devised a list of things to do to get you out of such a mess should you happen to stumble upon it. (Warning: for best results: do at rush hour.)

*Stare at people you don’t know and make rash decisions about there personality. It's fun! If possible, make unbelievably awkward eye contact periodically throughout the trip.

*When you are approaching the end of the line and the person on the other end of the loudspeaker announces the last stop, stand up out of your seat and loudly declare: “We’re all going there!” And high five the person next to you.

*Fart silently and gauge a reaction. This can be accomplished with such farting techniques as the One Cheek Sneak or the even more rare: Ambient Bullfrog. Immediately over react to hide blame. If someone makes eye contact with you at this time, legibly mouth the words “who farted?” and shrug sheepishly.

*Sleep across 3 seats during rush hour.

*When the subway car is really packed and you are uncomfortably close to a stranger for a long period of time, cuntily ask him or her for directions to there mother's house.

*On the late night bus, find an old lady who is sleeping. Tell her filthy jokes.

*If you get an erection at any point in the trip, go to no trouble to allude to the fact that you have a stark, ice-cutting stiffy for basically no reason at all.

*Bargain with the driver over the bus fare. Low ball him at $1.25 and don’t budge. The people on the bus will notice your go-getter attitude and gain respect for you immediately.

*To spice things up: Find a group of dangerous gangsters and imply that they wear women’s panties. If they suggest a physical confrontation, insist on a dance-off to decide the victor.

*Steal things.

*Re-enact the subway fight scene from Speed with a buddy.

*”Accidentally” shit-piss yourself at the beginning of your trip. The pheromones drive women into a horned out craze.

*Learn an instrument.

- Speen

Transit (TTC) worker sleeping

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Announcing! The 2011 Fatality Western Annihilation North American Tour! Also... Welcome Home Show! THIS FRIDAY at the Blue Moon!

I heard you missed us; we’re back in the place to be. Big hometown show This Friday June 3rd at the Blue Moon to celebrate being back home after being on tour. It doesn’t feel like it, but it has been 3 months since our last Toronto gig. So we are making it special with our friends in Bolero, as well as Derelict from Montreal, Toronto’s own Shotgun Cure and our new friends in Slave Agent to kick it all off.  After doing a little traveling recently, I can contend to the fact that Toronto is my favorite fucking place to be in the world. It seems like this city has all the flavors of the different places I have visited. We’ve got it all. We’ve got the night life, we got the women and we’ve got the god damn attitude. Our hockey team might be one of the worst in the league, but at least we aren’t Ottawa. *raspberry*
Of course I’m kidding. I’ve never really understood idolizing or identifying with a specific hockey team anyways. “I believe the Americans, Europeans and Canadians who practice within the closest proximity to me are the best team.” Shadap! You haven’t done a sit up in 3 years. 
On the topic of traveling we are pleased to announce our Western Annihilation tour! That’s right folks. Enough of the East, bring on the West. We are starting out in Sudbury and Ending off in Chicago. This is gonna get messy folks. The East was merely an appetizer. Its time to extend our version of Heavy Metal Indulgence to the masses. I am really looking forward to a lot of things regarding this tour. We are playing with a ton of great American and Canadian acts such as Bonded by Blood, Zombie Holocaust, Skull Hammer (Canada) and Vektor. Holy shit Nose! We will also be spending roughly a week in California. I have been warned about California. They say eat lots of In and Out bergs, Stay out of Compton and always, always, always check for an Adam’s Apple.
There are a lot of great things coming our way, and I must say, I am very excited. Hope to see some of you on our travels. Get some sleep, friends.