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Monday, June 06, 2011

Things to do on Public Transit

Have you ever been on the subway or public transit in a big city and got way too fuckin’ bored? You had already run through an inventory of your brain and you just finished scratching your ass. Mankind has been plagued with the public transport blues since their invention. I have devised a list of things to do to get you out of such a mess should you happen to stumble upon it. (Warning: for best results: do at rush hour.)

*Stare at people you don’t know and make rash decisions about there personality. It's fun! If possible, make unbelievably awkward eye contact periodically throughout the trip.

*When you are approaching the end of the line and the person on the other end of the loudspeaker announces the last stop, stand up out of your seat and loudly declare: “We’re all going there!” And high five the person next to you.

*Fart silently and gauge a reaction. This can be accomplished with such farting techniques as the One Cheek Sneak or the even more rare: Ambient Bullfrog. Immediately over react to hide blame. If someone makes eye contact with you at this time, legibly mouth the words “who farted?” and shrug sheepishly.

*Sleep across 3 seats during rush hour.

*When the subway car is really packed and you are uncomfortably close to a stranger for a long period of time, cuntily ask him or her for directions to there mother's house.

*On the late night bus, find an old lady who is sleeping. Tell her filthy jokes.

*If you get an erection at any point in the trip, go to no trouble to allude to the fact that you have a stark, ice-cutting stiffy for basically no reason at all.

*Bargain with the driver over the bus fare. Low ball him at $1.25 and don’t budge. The people on the bus will notice your go-getter attitude and gain respect for you immediately.

*To spice things up: Find a group of dangerous gangsters and imply that they wear women’s panties. If they suggest a physical confrontation, insist on a dance-off to decide the victor.

*Steal things.

*Re-enact the subway fight scene from Speed with a buddy.

*”Accidentally” shit-piss yourself at the beginning of your trip. The pheromones drive women into a horned out craze.

*Learn an instrument.

- Speen

Transit (TTC) worker sleeping

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