The General Tao Diaries: Weekend Warriors

What’s going on folks? This is Spencer LeVon writing to you from the Esquire Great Eastern Chinese restaurant in beautiful North York Toronto. I just got fired from my job 15 minutes ago and I am trying to ease the pain with some general Tao chicken. Typical white guy order. I may as well have just asked the Asian gentlemen at the counter what they have that tastes the most like chicken wings. If there were a way to somehow add mayonnaise to this dish, I'm sure I would submit to a full on fit of honkey-boy ecstasy.

Getting fired is great isn’t it? Not quite as fun as quitting, mind you. Because at least then it is on your terms. But really when you get down to it, getting fired is just gods way of telling you to watch more daytime television. I might normally be tempted to contemplate my future or perhaps simply yell at myself shirtless in the mirror, rhetorically asking myself how a chinless nobody like myself managed to survive this long. But I can’t. There is just too much cool shit happening to even begin feeling bummed out for a minute.

For starters, Fatality has got an old school weekend warrior road trip lined up this weekend with gigs in Ottawa and Toronto. We kick it off on this Friday November the 2^nd in our nations capital with our thrash companions Aggressor, Mastery, Criticull and our buddies from the Yukon, Sanktuary. The very next day we will be peeling our sorry asses off of whatever floor we managed to stick to, and head straight to Toronto to perform a headlining show at the Hard Luck Bar alongside Aggressor, Mastery, Lethal Voltage and our French Canadian buddies in Eternal Judgment. This is just what I need. 2 nights of screeching insanity with a pack of bands that I care deeply for.

What is better is that all of this excitement will lead us into our final portion of songwriting and the transition into the studio to record our second full-length album. Holy shit! I am completely pleased with our new material. It is a little bit more dynamic and daring, but still as razor sharp and potent as always. I really cannot wait to take these tracks into the studio and bring them to life. You can catch some of our new material at the up coming gigs this weekend!!

To celebrate my newfound free time, I have some fresh content for all ya'll. First up, here is a promo video made by our bass player Adam Zlotnik to promote our Toronto headliner gig on November 3^rd. The footage used was from our last Headliner at the Hard Luck on September 1st. God damn we have a lotta fun! We also threw in an awful blowjob joke in there for good measure.

We also have a batch of photos we took a few months back with the beautiful and talented Victoria J. Polsoni featured in this blog. They turned out great, and she did a really good job. I think the only reason we didn’t release these earlier is because my hair looks like a mix between Helen hunt and “The Leader” of the Movmentarien cult from that Simpsons episode. Yuck. What was I thinking?!

Anyways, I’m going to wrap up this blog and take my chicken to go, because I am unemployed and I don’t want to miss the Power Puff girls on YTV.

Hope to see you this weekend. Lets party!

Spencer LeVon

Check out the new video HERE

                                View the rest of the photos from the photoshoot HERE

 

CLICK FOR EVENT PAGE

CLICK FOR EVENT PAGE

Announcing: All Ages Fatality Show at the Hard Luck Bar September 1st

For many, September is a time of stress and disappointment. This might be that it represents the “back to school” season or perhaps it represents the beginning of the transition between summer to winter. The whole thought of September might have you as cold and miserable as a sound guy.

That’s a bit of a strange analogy, but why are most sound guys so universally disgruntled? I have a feeling it is because they are just “guys” but they have always wanted to be “men”. That would be devastating, wouldn’t it? Being just a guy. Because as we all know “guy” is the moniker that we give members of society that we don’t fully respect. Take “pizza guy” for example. He is just a goddamn guy. Have you ever met a “police guy”? Didn’t think so!

However you feel about the month of September, I have 2 reasons for you to turn that frown upside down and to make the feeling a little bit more manageable. Reason #1 is that you get to break out all those dope leather jackets that have been patiently waiting in your closet all season to make you look cool while all the while you have been gallivanting like a bumbling fool with shorts on as people look on with disgust after making harsh eye contact with your awful inner thighs.

The second reason is because we are throwing a massive all ages rager at the Hard Luck Bar on September 1st. It has been a good goddamn while since we put on a big Fatality production like this because we have been habitually busy in the Laboratory (the Fatality jam space) writing the best material we have ever written. So what better way to celebrate the next chapter of the Fatality legacy then to put on a gigantic all ages Heavy Metal party to showcase all our new songs which will be recorded and released on our next album.

Helping us get the party started is Toronto doom band “Pyres” who I can only describe as Black Sabbath on acid. On next is the return of Mastery, who have just been added to the bill. These dudes have been laying low for some time and are back in stage form and will be joining us to kick some ass with their new vocalist! We also have Folk Metal party monsters Crimson Shadows playing to make sure that you have a fabulous sound track for your night of shameful binge drinking. And on right before us will be our good buddies in Unleash the Archers. Or UTA as they are also known coming all the way from Vancouver, BC!

So do yourself a favor and save the date of Saturday September 1st. Call in sick to work, TVO that awful fuckin' show that you love, drunk proof your apartment and come out to the Hard Luck and enjoy our celebration of friends and Heavy Metal Music. Look forward to the usual surprises and remember that this is an all ages show, so invite any youngins who would enjoy the experience, because there seems to be less and less opportunities for young folk to enjoy live Metal in Toronto. Also, don’t invite any “sound guys”.

Goddamn, I can’t wait.

Spencer LeVon

PS. Visit www.fatality.ca for the official Facebook event for this show and check out the official show poster below:

PPS. Brand new shirts have arrived!!! Check out the design below:

New shirts will be available for $15 and our old design will be on sale for $10

Spencer Sunday Throwup Podcast Show #4: the Marilyn Manson Palaver

In this 4th installment of the SSTPCS, Spencer recalls a violent and embarrassing exchange with counterculture icon Marilyn Manson, involving a disinterested goth girl, a water bottle to the stomach and an airborne hot dog. So cook up some eggs, put on a good pair of sweat pants and spend this Sunday afternoon the way it was supposed to be spent: dry heaving and Cursing yourself in the mirror.

The Spencer Sunday Throwup Podcast Show #3: Relationshit Advice

The Speen Machine is back with the third episode of the Spencer Sunday Throwup Podcast Show.  This week, an audibly hung over Spencer Le Von gives some solid advice to the dudes on how to gently ease your new girlfriend into recognizing what a scumbag you really are.




To download this and all other episodes, go to:
http://archive.org/details/TheSpencerSundayThrowupPodcastShow

The Spencer Sunday Throwup Podcast Show #2: Sneezes of Nazareth

Here's the second installation of the Spencer Sunday Throwup Podcast Show.  This week, Spencer recalls the horror of being a multiple sneezer, and reflects on some of the dumb things people say about it.

Gesundheit!



To download this and all other episodes, go to:
http://archive.org/details/TheSpencerSundayThrowupPodcastShow

The Spencer Sunday Throwup Podcast Show #1

The Spencer Sunday Throwup Podcast is the sonic equivalent of a Gatorade and 2 aspirins after a night of shameless binge drinking. Toronto musician Spencer LeVon guides you through the hangover experience with soft piano music, lighthearted stories, jokes and some of his favorite love songs to take the edge off. So fry up a few eggs, draw the blinds and enjoy the day of rest.

Go here to download the podcast:
http://archive.org/details/TheSpencerSundayThrowupPodcastShow

The FATALITY Silly Walk Video Contest

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_FwHxmFoj2k

It is shocking how little time a musician actually gets to play his or her instrument. There is just so much bullshit involved. For instance, have you ever actually sat in on a recording session? Boy, it fucking sucks. It feels like everyone is either tuning, or waiting to tune. Where are the drugs? Where are the easily impressionable blondes?? I don’t care about mic placement, where is the fun? The music industry isn’t nearly as sexy as the 80’s insisted it was.

It took a while for me to realize how astonishingly important killing time is as a musician. It is a vital component of what we do. Whether it is mind bending travel time to a gig or waiting to perform, metal musicians have killing time down to a delicate science, and a band that laughs together stays together. 

To better illustrate this point we have devised a CONTEST based on our latest "weekly challenge" video. The video involves Eytan and I acting like complete assholes in public, because that is what makes us laugh and that’s what we find funny.

For this video we decided to pay tribute to Monty Python and the Ministry of Silly Walks. In this clip you can see me and Eytan going for a swift jaunt in our local Metro to purchase some late night munchies.

Now this is what we want from YOU!!!

CONTEST TIME!!!!

We want to see your silly walks. That’s right. Post a video of your silliest walks on our Facebook page and the winner will receive great prizes.

The person who posts the video that we deem to be the silliest will receive:

·      Free Fatality T-shirt

·      Free CD

·      Free patch, beer cozie or 3 pins

·      2 free tickets to our next local show (if applicable)

Let's get Silly!

Visit our Facebook page at www.facebook.com/fatalitythrash and post your video!

Hair Loss: A Follicle’s Last Stand

I came to the realization this week that I am losing my hair. Fabulous. The transformation has begun. Now I get the joy of watching my physical appearance go from Ted Nugent to Elmer Fudd.

At least I’m losing it all in the front and not that spot at the back of the head, you know, the loser patch? On the bright side at least at first glance people won’t know if I am losing my hair or simply gaining forehead… God, I’m fucked! I’ve got a one-way ticket to looking like a bloated James Taylor.

Men and women have different physical struggles with aging. Men don’t necessarily lose their hair; it just gets re-distributed to their backs, ears and nostrils. Women mainly have to worry about sagging: saggy tits and a saggy ass. Speaking for myself, I can’t say sagging would be that bad. I often pray for gravity to have its way with my shwanz. It might afford me an extra inch or 2 in my senior years and help keep me competitive.

A woman’s body does seem like a lot more to maintain. Periods, pregnancy and waxing are not my cup of tea. As far as men’s body maintenance goes, his main objective is to keep his dick clean, and that alone can be a somewhat daunting task. I guess I should stop complaining. Women seem to take on most of nature’s burdens, so I suppose the least men can do is look like a bunch of goofy balding assholes with smelly balls.

Nature has a way of making men look like accountants as they get older. Physical mediocrity has its way with us all eventually. I will use David Lee Roth as an example: he used to be the slick, cool, dick-slingin’ front man of Van Halen. Have you seen him recently? Does anyone look more like a creepy 3rd grade teacher then that momo? Thanks hair loss!

Thick healthy hair on a man is attractive to women because it is a sign that he is virile and therefore more capable of making babies. If my recent hair loss suggests that my sperm has the potency of skim milk, then that just might be the only relieving aspect of this whole ordeal. If that means the chances of me bringing a bunch of bald headed clumsy babies with poor mathematics skills into this world are diminishing then GOOD!

On the bright side, soon I will be able to go out as Dr. Phil for Halloween.

Fuck,

Spencer “Mr. Potato-fag” LeVon

 

P.S. For those of you in the Toronto area come out this Saturday, April 21st to Hard Luck for a stellar line-up of Fatality, Ramming Speed, Cannabis Corpse, and Revocation! Fuck YEAH! Click here to visit the Facebook event

The Fatality Weekly Challenge - April 9th, 2012

Hello friends, and welcome to the Fatality weekly challenge. This is where we test the limits of your candor, bravery and general boredom. Our very first challenge is lovingly entitled: "Smoke pot and try not to laugh at this, fucko!"

It is pretty self explanatory, but all you will need to do is take a big ass hit, turn your speakers all the way up and try to watch this video without laughing. If you laugh, then relax with a nice tall glass of chocolate milk: the devils favorite dairy beverage.

If you can successfully watch this video without laughing, then repeat the steps of the challenge with more pot.

Afterwards take some time to check out our latest music video previewing a new track and browse our YouTube channel for more hilarious Fatality videos!

Toke,

Spencer Le Von

Video Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdIMVVsyk6w

Links:
Fatality Facebook Page
Fatality YouTube Channel

 

 

Goodbye Suarez. Hello Mason!

Hello Folks,

This is Spencer LeVon of Fatality with a big announcement regarding a recent line-up change. We have parted ways with our drummer Andrew “Comfortability Snacks” Suarez and re-hired our original drummer and my brother Mason LeVon. There is no animosity or hard feelings towards Suarez, and we still consider him to be a good friend. We wanted to thank him from the bottom of our tiny pink hearts for all his hard work and enthusiasm that made this band what it is today. We look forward to making more noise with him at some other point in the future.

That being said, we are thrilled to have my brother Mason back in the fold. Mason helped start the band around 2007 and was there to craft the blue print. He also co-wrote most of the songs on our first album “Beers from the Grave” and since re-joining has been relentlessly writing new material with us for our second full-length album. With every jam the music gets progressively heavier, faster, and more aggressive.

To celebrate Mason’s return, we filmed an instrumental video for release later this week previewing a new song entitled “Monstrous”. We are extremely excited to be sharing this new track and providing a taste of what is more to come from Fatality. It was recorded at our new jam space with ample silliness and excitement. We have included some photos taken throughout the process of creating the video for your enjoyment.

So, goodbye Suarez. Hello Mason! And thank goodness I am no longer the member in the band with the worst body.

Spencer LeVon

Click here to view the Facebook photo album

Sex is Overated

Sex is totally overrated. Yes, it's true. Don’t get me wrong, I like burying the ol' bone as much as anyone else does but I think it's about time that we take away a bit of the power that sex has over us, shall we? First of all, I believe sex to be an absurd practical joke. Is that really the ultimate demonstration of love? Mashing your awful dead bird of a cock into some poor ladies slish? That’s the best we can come up with? It seems so abstract and weird, like a self-portrait of a school-aged Picasso masturbating while writing a book report.

Genitalia is just plain funny to me. I can’t help it. A cock is just a bizarre organ that hangs on the outside of your body. When your penis is not in use it visually appears to be ashamed, doesn’t it? And for good reason, it is a filthy appendage! That’s why it is always staring at the floor on a pillow of his own balls, sulking like an emo kid after a failed suicide attempt.

Your cock really is just like a lazy roommate, just taking up space and never helping you carry in groceries. But for some reason unknown to me, every morning my cock is standing at attention, just plain ready to get the day started. Apparently my dick is more of a morning person then I am. Morning wood is such a waste of time. Does anyone else ever find themselves talking their morning cock down like it’s a suicide jumper just because all you want to do is take a normal morning piss without hitting the ceiling? Nothing makes me feel like more of a loser than trying to reason with my own penis at 7:30 in the morning. “Come on Arthur, go to sleep, I have things to do today.”

The human wang is a nuisance on the level of bedbugs, white supremacy and Greenpeace canvassers. On a good day, anything can potentially give a fella a hard-on. Men are so stupid. The gentle, persistent vibration of a ride on the crosstown bus is sometimes enough to give a man a grade-A certifiable stark chubb that demands so much blood your feet go numb and you miss your stop!

 

Men let sexuality run their lives. We become obsessed with beautiful women. I find beautiful women to be very overrated, like New Year's Eve or the Red Hot Chili Peppers. This might be a hard sell, but hear me out. Lets take strip clubs for example. Strip clubs are shocking evidence of how sexually backwards we, as men, can be at times. Pussy has such a driving force in a man's life that he will call up his friend and say “Hey dog, want to go to that strip club, spend too much money on beer and get erections in public with me?” Yikes, what a confusing night on the town that is.  Whenever I get that call I have uncomfortable flashbacks of being called up to the chalkboard in fourth grade, trying in vain to hide a woody in the waistband of my sweatpants.
 

Don't get me wrong, I love women as much as anyone else. They are soft, and they smell nice, I will give you that. I am just confused why we treat beautiful women like deities when they are nothing more then perpetuators of a lie bigger than Santa, the Easter Bunny, and "It's not you, it's me" combined.

Sex really is a filthy act. It just makes me feel that biology is tricking us. Any urge that will make you possessed to take a complete stranger to your place, become naked, and then start to roll around with your arses in the air with the intention of shooting liquid at each other seems kind of suspect to me. Most of us are normal people with normal jobs, but occasionally behind closed doors we shoot goop at the people we claim we love the most. Humans really are aliens.

Yuck,

Spencer LeVon

A Letter on Behalf of Losers

I am a loser. I know that sounds harsh, but hear me out. One common misconception is that being a loser is a synonym for nerd, dweeb or dork. Those imply social rejection based on having unpopular interests like Dungeons and Dragons or anime. I would do anything to be a nerd; I’d still get laid as minimally as I do now but at least I would have better typing skills.

A loser is a special form of underdog, because the fundamental difference is our complete lack of interest in anything. Losers watch a lot of daytime television, boy! And we make up a staggering percentage of the population. Did you know that 1 in 7 Canadians are losers? or have loser tendencies? By loser tendencies I am referring to biological urges to do something personally disappointing on a regular basis. These include things such as eating anything larger than your head, masturbating to the point of disinterest or watching the entire Hanna Montana Best of Both Worlds Live DVD last week when no one was home. Maybe this is getting too personal.

“The path of least resistance is the path of the loser.”

- H. G. Wells

Because losers make up so much of the worlds population, I think it is time to push losers into the spotlight and showcase them. I propose we start the Loser Olympics. This is where the world’s top losers from every country compete on the world’s stage and compete in such events as the 300-meter dash for the bus and the Men’s synchronized shitting yourself at the mall.

Losers are the type to sleep until 1 in the afternoon only to eat too many chicken fingers and fall back to sleep till Maury is on. Yep, losers are God’s way of telling regular people  “Hey, it could be worse”.

Losers come in all shapes, colours and sizes. Hell, you might be one as well. To get rid of any confusion as to whether or not you are indeed a loser; just take a look at this simple checklist.

1. Have you ever been asked politely to leave a Taco Bell?
2. Do you consider melted cheese its own food group?
3. Can you name every size of Big Gulp in descending order but not a single book that you have read?
4. Have you ever applied for a job at a fast food chain and been denied due to lack of experience?
5. Is your bookshelf half-full of pristine self-help books given to you by family members?
6. Do you have a running tab at the 3 nearest hot dog vendors?
7. Do you cry more often than you exercise?
8. Have you ever dismissed having a girlfriend as being “too much work” while completing a 5000-piece jigsaw puzzle?
9. Do you regularly take unproductive shits that take so long that your feet fall painfully asleep?
10. Can you sing the MASH theme song confidently but stumble while singing the national anthem?
11. Have you ever had a full meal of spam samples at Costco?
12. Are you still paying off credit card interest on a pair of sweatpants you bought last March?
13. Do you eat or smell things that come off your body somewhat instinctively?
14. Have you spent a significant portion of your life air guitaring to RUSH?
15. Have you ever tried to get yourself in “the mood” even though you were late for court?

If you answered yes to any or all of these questions then guess what? Throw away that collared shirt and gym membership and pick up a 7-11 Taquito, because you are a loser, Charles!

“You must never be satisfied with losing. You must get angry, terribly angry, about losing. But the mark of the good loser is that he takes his anger out on himself and not his victorious opponents or on his teammates.”

- Richard M. Nixon
 

Losers are great for the economy too. Penis enlargement pills, Krispy Kreme Burgers and the Bowflex (or as I call it the loser coat rack) are all invented and marketed for the loser. The Loser Industrial Complex is a billion dollar industry, by golly! Where would we be as a race without the “I’m with Stupid” t-shirt or Trevor the Singing Trout?

Being a loser can be quite exhausting. Between looking for reliable dishwashing jobs on craigslist and watching the Price is Right, it leaves very little time for the individual.

“Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.”

- Chris Rock

Losers are never responsible for the day-to-day inconveniences of regular folk because they generally stick to themselves. If you are ever stuck in traffic, don’t look to losers - they are certainly not to blame. They all stayed home and are currently playing N64 with a half boner while eating beef jerky. They aren’t the ones over-saturating that godforsaken job market that’s preventing you from getting that really good government job you’ve been after. Losers decided long ago to commit to a life of smoking pot and streaming videos on stolen Internet.

So next time you see a loser, please: give the poor fuck some bus fare! Give him a few bucks so that he can go buy some socks without holes. And if you see a loser in public, don’t be scared, he is probably just as scared of you as you are of him.

Get some sleep friends,

Speen


P.S. Come to our next local show in Toronto at Sneaky Dee's on February 3rd for the Aggressor CD release party with special guests Diemonds and Shotgun Cure! We'll also be playing with Aggressor in Ottawa on February 4th. In the meantime... Check out the hilarious promo video made solely to promote this awesome Toronto show:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Yjb8Fc8cx0

Blog photos taken from a drunken Ottawa trip in 2007