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Friday, January 13, 2012

A Letter on Behalf of Losers

I am a loser. I know that sounds harsh, but hear me out. One common misconception is that being a loser is a synonym for nerd, dweeb or dork. Those imply social rejection based on having unpopular interests like Dungeons and Dragons or anime. I would do anything to be a nerd; I’d still get laid as minimally as I do now but at least I would have better typing skills.

A loser is a special form of underdog, because the fundamental difference is our complete lack of interest in anything. Losers watch a lot of daytime television, boy! And we make up a staggering percentage of the population. Did you know that 1 in 7 Canadians are losers? or have loser tendencies? By loser tendencies I am referring to biological urges to do something personally disappointing on a regular basis. These include things such as eating anything larger than your head, masturbating to the point of disinterest or watching the entire Hanna Montana Best of Both Worlds Live DVD last week when no one was home. Maybe this is getting too personal.

“The path of least resistance is the path of the loser.”

- H. G. Wells

Because losers make up so much of the worlds population, I think it is time to push losers into the spotlight and showcase them. I propose we start the Loser Olympics. This is where the world’s top losers from every country compete on the world’s stage and compete in such events as the 300-meter dash for the bus and the Men’s synchronized shitting yourself at the mall.

Losers are the type to sleep until 1 in the afternoon only to eat too many chicken fingers and fall back to sleep till Maury is on. Yep, losers are God’s way of telling regular people  “Hey, it could be worse”.

Losers come in all shapes, colours and sizes. Hell, you might be one as well. To get rid of any confusion as to whether or not you are indeed a loser; just take a look at this simple checklist.

  1. Have you ever been asked politely to leave a Taco Bell?
  2. Do you consider melted cheese its own food group?
  3. Can you name every size of Big Gulp in descending order but not a single book that you have read?
  4. Have you ever applied for a job at a fast food chain and been denied due to lack of experience?
  5. Is your bookshelf half-full of pristine self-help books given to you by family members?
  6. Do you have a running tab at the 3 nearest hot dog vendors?
  7. Do you cry more often than you exercise?
  8. Have you ever dismissed having a girlfriend as being “too much work” while completing a 5000-piece jigsaw puzzle?
  9. Do you regularly take unproductive shits that take so long that your feet fall painfully asleep?
  10. Can you sing the MASH theme song confidently but stumble while singing the national anthem?
  11. Have you ever had a full meal of spam samples at Costco?
  12. Are you still paying off credit card interest on a pair of sweatpants you bought last March?
  13. Do you eat or smell things that come off your body somewhat instinctively?
  14. Have you spent a significant portion of your life air guitaring to RUSH?
  15. Have you ever tried to get yourself in “the mood” even though you were late for court?

If you answered yes to any or all of these questions then guess what? Throw away that collared shirt and gym membership and pick up a 7-11 Taquito, because you are a loser, Charles!

“You must never be satisfied with losing. You must get angry, terribly angry, about losing. But the mark of the good loser is that he takes his anger out on himself and not his victorious opponents or on his teammates.”

- Richard M. Nixon
Losers are great for the economy too. Penis enlargement pills, Krispy Kreme Burgers and the Bowflex (or as I call it the loser coat rack) are all invented and marketed for the loser. The Loser Industrial Complex is a billion dollar industry, by golly! Where would we be as a race without the “I’m with Stupid” t-shirt or Trevor the Singing Trout?

Being a loser can be quite exhausting. Between looking for reliable dishwashing jobs on craigslist and watching the Price is Right, it leaves very little time for the individual.

“Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.”

- Chris Rock
Losers are never responsible for the day-to-day inconveniences of regular folk because they generally stick to themselves. If you are ever stuck in traffic, don’t look to losers - they are certainly not to blame. They all stayed home and are currently playing N64 with a half boner while eating beef jerky. They aren’t the ones over-saturating that godforsaken job market that’s preventing you from getting that really good government job you’ve been after. Losers decided long ago to commit to a life of smoking pot and streaming videos on stolen Internet.

So next time you see a loser, please: give the poor fuck some bus fare! Give him a few bucks so that he can go buy some socks without holes. And if you see a loser in public, don’t be scared, he is probably just as scared of you as you are of him.

Get some sleep friends,


P.S. Come to our next local show in Toronto at Sneaky Dee's on February 3rd for the Aggressor CD release party with special guests Diemonds and Shotgun Cure! We'll also be playing with Aggressor in Ottawa on February 4th. In the meantime... Check out the hilarious promo video made solely to promote this awesome Toronto show:

Blog photos taken from a drunken Ottawa trip in 2007

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