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Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Sex is Overated

Sex is totally overrated. Yes, it's true. Don’t get me wrong, I like burying the ol' bone as much as anyone else does but I think it's about time that we take away a bit of the power that sex has over us, shall we? First of all, I believe sex to be an absurd practical joke. Is that really the ultimate demonstration of love? Mashing your awful dead bird of a cock into some poor ladies slish? That’s the best we can come up with? It seems so abstract and weird, like a self-portrait of a school-aged Picasso masturbating while writing a book report.

Genitalia is just plain funny to me. I can’t help it. A cock is just a bizarre organ that hangs on the outside of your body. When your penis is not in use it visually appears to be ashamed, doesn’t it? And for good reason, it is a filthy appendage! That’s why it is always staring at the floor on a pillow of his own balls, sulking like an emo kid after a failed suicide attempt.

Your cock really is just like a lazy roommate, just taking up space and never helping you carry in groceries. But for some reason unknown to me, every morning my cock is standing at attention, just plain ready to get the day started. Apparently my dick is more of a morning person then I am. Morning wood is such a waste of time. Does anyone else ever find themselves talking their morning cock down like it’s a suicide jumper just because all you want to do is take a normal morning piss without hitting the ceiling? Nothing makes me feel like more of a loser than trying to reason with my own penis at 7:30 in the morning. “Come on Arthur, go to sleep, I have things to do today.”

The human wang is a nuisance on the level of bedbugs, white supremacy and Greenpeace canvassers. On a good day, anything can potentially give a fella a hard-on. Men are so stupid. The gentle, persistent vibration of a ride on the crosstown bus is sometimes enough to give a man a grade-A certifiable stark chubb that demands so much blood your feet go numb and you miss your stop!
Men let sexuality run their lives. We become obsessed with beautiful women. I find beautiful women to be very overrated, like New Year's Eve or the Red Hot Chili Peppers. This might be a hard sell, but hear me out. Lets take strip clubs for example. Strip clubs are shocking evidence of how sexually backwards we, as men, can be at times. Pussy has such a driving force in a man's life that he will call up his friend and say “Hey dog, want to go to that strip club, spend too much money on beer and get erections in public with me?” Yikes, what a confusing night on the town that is.  Whenever I get that call I have uncomfortable flashbacks of being called up to the chalkboard in fourth grade, trying in vain to hide a woody in the waistband of my sweatpants.

Don't get me wrong, I love women as much as anyone else. They are soft, and they smell nice, I will give you that. I am just confused why we treat beautiful women like deities when they are nothing more then perpetuators of a lie bigger than Santa, the Easter Bunny, and "It's not you, it's me" combined.

Sex really is a filthy act. It just makes me feel that biology is tricking us. Any urge that will make you possessed to take a complete stranger to your place, become naked, and then start to roll around with your arses in the air with the intention of shooting liquid at each other seems kind of suspect to me. Most of us are normal people with normal jobs, but occasionally behind closed doors we shoot goop at the people we claim we love the most. Humans really are aliens.


Spencer LeVon

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