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Sunday, April 15, 2012

Hair Loss: A Follicle’s Last Stand

I came to the realization this week that I am losing my hair. Fabulous. The transformation has begun. Now I get the joy of watching my physical appearance go from Ted Nugent to Elmer Fudd.
At least I’m losing it all in the front and not that spot at the back of the head, you know, the loser patch? On the bright side at least at first glance people won’t know if I am losing my hair or simply gaining forehead… God, I’m fucked! I’ve got a one-way ticket to looking like a bloated James Taylor.
Men and women have different physical struggles with aging. Men don’t necessarily lose their hair; it just gets re-distributed to their backs, ears and nostrils. Women mainly have to worry about sagging: saggy tits and a saggy ass. Speaking for myself, I can’t say sagging would be that bad. I often pray for gravity to have its way with my shwanz. It might afford me an extra inch or 2 in my senior years and help keep me competitive.
A woman’s body does seem like a lot more to maintain. Periods, pregnancy and waxing are not my cup of tea. As far as men’s body maintenance goes, his main objective is to keep his dick clean, and that alone can be a somewhat daunting task. I guess I should stop complaining. Women seem to take on most of nature’s burdens, so I suppose the least men can do is look like a bunch of goofy balding assholes with smelly balls.
Nature has a way of making men look like accountants as they get older. Physical mediocrity has its way with us all eventually. I will use David Lee Roth as an example: he used to be the slick, cool, dick-slingin’ front man of Van Halen. Have you seen him recently? Does anyone look more like a creepy 3rd grade teacher then that momo? Thanks hair loss!
Thick healthy hair on a man is attractive to women because it is a sign that he is virile and therefore more capable of making babies. If my recent hair loss suggests that my sperm has the potency of skim milk, then that just might be the only relieving aspect of this whole ordeal. If that means the chances of me bringing a bunch of bald headed clumsy babies with poor mathematics skills into this world are diminishing then GOOD!
On the bright side, soon I will be able to go out as Dr. Phil for Halloween.


Spencer “Mr. Potato-fag” LeVon
P.S. For those of you in the Toronto area come out this Saturday, April 21st to Hard Luck for a stellar line-up of Fatality, Ramming Speed, Cannabis Corpse, and Revocation! Fuck YEAH! Click here to visit the Facebook event


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