The Fatality Blog: Western Annihilation Days 11-14: Kamlooped

Suarez at Lake Louise

Where do pubs get their names? The frog and the firkin, the fox and the fiddle. Do pub owners just meet at a community centre and draw a name from the animal hat, and then one from the inanimate object hat? “Look Fred I’ve got the Aardvark and the Spatula.” “Wowie Ted, I got the Ant eater and the Peanut butter lid.” Last night we killed at a bar called the Funky Winkerbeans. And gotta say, had a blast. I will tell you about that in just a bit. Where was I?

Krazy Karla, Eytan and some dudes from the Gallows

Ahh yes: Jasper. I loved the drive to Jasper almost as much as I enjoyed rockin the god damn house with my best friends. Jasper is a small town surrounded by the most beautiful mountains. We arrived and were to meet up with the promoter who had the apt moniker: Krazy Karla. What a character. She had bright green contact lenses for that David Bowie look and was covered in metal tattoos. She took us to a local pizza place for some food and then we went to the venue called The Horseshoe. At this point I recall falling asleep in the van like the Fuddy Duddy that I am. When I awoke, it was time to perform. The room was pretty full for a Monday night in a small town. We started strong and I opened with a good joke. “I know what you are thinking… ‘I didn’t know the singer of Great Big Sea had a thrash band.’” And that broke up the room, even though it was a bit hacky. The set went great and we had a blast. The show did so well that the venue paid for a hotel down the street. We didn’t trash it. In fact we had a few beers, listened to some Ozzy and went to sleep. Motley Crew lied to us. They told us that the life of a metal musician was all about doing blow and getting blown. Can a band even have a cigarette backstage anymore without getting fined?

A drinking game we made up while camping... (Balls)

The next day we stocked up on some groceries and drove toward Kamloops and found a campsite. It was shitty and raining so they gave us this awesome site with a huge canopy over it surrounded by fuckin Mountains. Right next to an outdoor kitchen with a fridge, dinner table, cable TV and cooking appliances. We hung out all day, went swimming, and had the camping experience. That night we got drunk and had a huge frankfurter roast. We awoke exited because we had a gig with world-renowned punk band SNFU. We love playing with punk bands because punk was where we started. When we were 14 we started playing at grimy punk venues because we weren’t quite good enough on our instruments to play with the metal bands. We used to play weekends at the Q bar in Toronto for a handful of drunken natives. We arrived to the venue starving so we went to the market and got materials to make a nice pasta. Rich spent hours on it and cut his thumb open in the process. I went into the venue and realized that it was 15-cent wing night. So without hesitation I bought 20 wings for about 3 bucks and punished my digestive system for no reason whatsoever. Why couldn’t I have just eaten some pasta like a gentleman? I bought a bottle of red wine to go with it and everything. The show went well and SNFU were absolutely crushing. Everyone in Kamloops loved them and showed it. We got along with the guys really well too. I respect the hell out of them. They have been there and done that. But they still find time to do some touring and have a damn good time.

Mr. Chi Pig from SNFU

We drove all night through pitch black to our buddy Brayden from Unleash the Archers house. We slept all day, woke up and headed downtown. We filled up a few slushies with some booze and headed to the ocean. We were looking for the Wall of Sea which is apparently a must see in Vancouver. We followed a map and started looking for it. At one point I remember standing there with the guys half loaded trying to figure out where the fucking Wall of sea was. Little did we know we were standing right on it the entire time. After that we went to a rock bar and got a few brews. The next day we headed to the venue to scope er out. The venue was on Hastings Street which is a notoriously bad neighborhood in Vancouver. The singer of SNFU told us, “Be careful on Hastings, there are some strange people over there.” And this was coming from a 50-year-old Asian ex-meth addict punk singer with pink pig ears on his head.

Fatality at the Sea Wall with Brayden from UTA

God he was right. I have never seen so many homeless people in one spot. In certain alleys there were like 60 crank addicts just milling around on crank. We pulled into the sketchiest parking lot of all time. There were used AIDS needles and crack pipes all around. I really felt strange about parking there, but there was no other place to park. As soon as we left, some crack head threw strawberry yogurt all over our van and trailer. What the fuck? When have you ever seen a homeless guy with a fuckin yogurt, anyway? Did this guy actually raise money all day in the sun, walk to the grocery store, and buy some fuckin Activia just to drench our vehicle? Did our slight inconvenience mean more to this bum then basic survival? Amazing. Well played bum... well played.

City of Vancouver

The venue was fuggin packed. We also had a perfect set time. We all went up with our stunners set to kill. And we did just that. We played a crushing set and bopped all over the place. After the set we were all feeling pretty confidant and hung out with the locals. The cool thing is, I think a lot of people thought that we were rock stars or something. Everyone was really jazzed to meet us and took lots of pictures with us and the whole 9. That isn’t good for my ego. Just wait 5 years till I am spotted being belligerent at a Denny’s in Portland screaming. “Don’t you know who I am?”

Spencer in mid-cartwheel!!

We just crossed the border into the United States of Amurica and are currently headed for Seattle. Crossing was pretty painless. We were there for about a half hour but still managed to hear 2 Amy Winehouse jokes from the Homeland Security Guards. I always get a little nervous crossing the border because when you enter the building there is a plaque that basically says that the officers can do pretty much whatever the fuck they want to you, for however long they want. And if you do anything to interfere, you will be imprisoned. So if they wanted to look in your butt for drugs, and you said, “wait a second, No. I am a god damn human being.” They can take you and put you into a smaller room with a bunch of other felons who will gladly look in your bum every hour on the hour. Politics are weird

- Speen