Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Sex is Overated

Sex is totally overrated. Yes, it's true. Don’t get me wrong, I like burying the ol' bone as much as anyone else does but I think it's about time that we take away a bit of the power that sex has over us, shall we? First of all, I believe sex to be an absurd practical joke. Is that really the ultimate demonstration of love? Mashing your awful dead bird of a cock into some poor ladies slish? That’s the best we can come up with? It seems so abstract and weird, like a self-portrait of a school-aged Picasso masturbating while writing a book report.

Genitalia is just plain funny to me. I can’t help it. A cock is just a bizarre organ that hangs on the outside of your body. When your penis is not in use it visually appears to be ashamed, doesn’t it? And for good reason, it is a filthy appendage! That’s why it is always staring at the floor on a pillow of his own balls, sulking like an emo kid after a failed suicide attempt.

Your cock really is just like a lazy roommate, just taking up space and never helping you carry in groceries. But for some reason unknown to me, every morning my cock is standing at attention, just plain ready to get the day started. Apparently my dick is more of a morning person then I am. Morning wood is such a waste of time. Does anyone else ever find themselves talking their morning cock down like it’s a suicide jumper just because all you want to do is take a normal morning piss without hitting the ceiling? Nothing makes me feel like more of a loser than trying to reason with my own penis at 7:30 in the morning. “Come on Arthur, go to sleep, I have things to do today.”

The human wang is a nuisance on the level of bedbugs, white supremacy and Greenpeace canvassers. On a good day, anything can potentially give a fella a hard-on. Men are so stupid. The gentle, persistent vibration of a ride on the crosstown bus is sometimes enough to give a man a grade-A certifiable stark chubb that demands so much blood your feet go numb and you miss your stop!

Men let sexuality run their lives. We become obsessed with beautiful women. I find beautiful women to be very overrated, like New Year's Eve or the Red Hot Chili Peppers. This might be a hard sell, but hear me out. Lets take strip clubs for example. Strip clubs are shocking evidence of how sexually backwards we, as men, can be at times. Pussy has such a driving force in a man's life that he will call up his friend and say “Hey dog, want to go to that strip club, spend too much money on beer and get erections in public with me?” Yikes, what a confusing night on the town that is. Whenever I get that call I have uncomfortable flashbacks of being called up to the chalkboard in fourth grade, trying in vain to hide a woody in the waistband of my sweatpants.

Don't get me wrong, I love women as much as anyone else. They are soft, and they smell nice, I will give you that. I am just confused why we treat beautiful women like deities when they are nothing more then perpetuators of a lie bigger than Santa, the Easter Bunny, and "It's not you, it's me" combined.

Sex really is a filthy act. It just makes me feel that biology is tricking us. Any urge that will make you possessed to take a complete stranger to your place, become naked, and then start to roll around with your arses in the air with the intention of shooting liquid at each other seems kind of suspect to me. Most of us are normal people with normal jobs, but occasionally behind closed doors we shoot goop at the people we claim we love the most. Humans really are aliens.

Yuck,

Spencer LeVon

Friday, January 13, 2012

A Letter on Behalf of Losers

I am a loser. I know that sounds harsh, but hear me out. One common misconception is that being a loser is a synonym for nerd, dweeb or dork. Those imply social rejection based on having unpopular interests like Dungeons and Dragons or anime. I would do anything to be a nerd; I’d still get laid as minimally as I do now but at least I would have better typing skills.

A loser is a special form of underdog, because the fundamental difference is our complete lack of interest in anything. Losers watch a lot of daytime television, boy! And we make up a staggering percentage of the population. Did you know that 1 in 7 Canadians are losers? or have loser tendencies? By loser tendencies I am referring to biological urges to do something personally disappointing on a regular basis. These include things such as eating anything larger than your head, masturbating to the point of disinterest or watching the entire Hanna Montana Best of Both Worlds Live DVD last week when no one was home. Maybe this is getting too personal.

“The path of least resistance is the path of the loser.”

- H. G. Wells

Because losers make up so much of the worlds population, I think it is time to push losers into the spotlight and showcase them. I propose we start the Loser Olympics. This is where the world’s top losers from every country compete on the world’s stage and compete in such events as the 300-meter dash for the bus and the Men’s synchronized shitting yourself at the mall.

Losers are the type to sleep until 1 in the afternoon only to eat too many chicken fingers and fall back to sleep till Maury is on. Yep, losers are God’s way of telling regular people “Hey, it could be worse”.

Losers come in all shapes, colours and sizes. Hell, you might be one as well. To get rid of any confusion as to whether or not you are indeed a loser; just take a look at this simple checklist.

Have you ever been asked politely to leave a Taco Bell?
Do you consider melted cheese its own food group?
Can you name every size of Big Gulp in descending order but not a single book that you have read?
Have you ever applied for a job at a fast food chain and been denied due to lack of experience?
Is your bookshelf half-full of pristine self-help books given to you by family members?
Do you have a running tab at the 3 nearest hot dog vendors?
Do you cry more often than you exercise?
Have you ever dismissed having a girlfriend as being “too much work” while completing a 5000-piece jigsaw puzzle?
Do you regularly take unproductive shits that take so long that your feet fall painfully asleep?
Can you sing the MASH theme song confidently but stumble while singing the national anthem?
Have you ever had a full meal of spam samples at Costco?
Are you still paying off credit card interest on a pair of sweatpants you bought last March?
Do you eat or smell things that come off your body somewhat instinctively?
Have you spent a significant portion of your life air guitaring to RUSH?
Have you ever tried to get yourself in “the mood” even though you were late for court?

If you answered yes to any or all of these questions then guess what? Throw away that collared shirt and gym membership and pick up a 7-11 Taquito, because you are a loser, Charles!

“You must never be satisfied with losing. You must get angry, terribly angry, about losing. But the mark of the good loser is that he takes his anger out on himself and not his victorious opponents or on his teammates.”

- Richard M. Nixon

Losers are great for the economy too. Penis enlargement pills, Krispy Kreme Burgers and the Bowflex (or as I call it the loser coat rack) are all invented and marketed for the loser. The Loser Industrial Complex is a billion dollar industry, by golly! Where would we be as a race without the “I’m with Stupid” t-shirt or Trevor the Singing Trout?

Being a loser can be quite exhausting. Between looking for reliable dishwashing jobs on craigslist and watching the Price is Right, it leaves very little time for the individual.

“Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.”

- Chris Rock

Losers are never responsible for the day-to-day inconveniences of regular folk because they generally stick to themselves. If you are ever stuck in traffic, don’t look to losers - they are certainly not to blame. They all stayed home and are currently playing N64 with a half boner while eating beef jerky. They aren’t the ones over-saturating that godforsaken job market that’s preventing you from getting that really good government job you’ve been after. Losers decided long ago to commit to a life of smoking pot and streaming videos on stolen Internet.

So next time you see a loser, please: give the poor fuck some bus fare! Give him a few bucks so that he can go buy some socks without holes. And if you see a loser in public, don’t be scared, he is probably just as scared of you as you are of him.

Get some sleep friends,

Speen

P.S. Come to our next local show in Toronto at Sneaky Dee's on February 3rd for the Aggressor CD release party with special guests Diemonds and Shotgun Cure! We'll also be playing with Aggressor in Ottawa on February 4th. In the meantime... Check out the hilarious promo video made solely to promote this awesome Toronto show:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Yjb8Fc8cx0

Blog photos taken from a drunken Ottawa trip in 2007

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Debunking the Holidays

Here we are yet again, barreling uncontrollably into the holiday season. Fuuuuck. In my eyes there is no glee, no joy, and especially no mirth. Just loud, crowded, Dawn-of-the-Dead malls, bumper-to-bumper traffic and lame white guy jazz renditions of your favorite contemporary holiday classics. Yuck! The holiday season does nothing but remind me of how uncomfortable I am with the rest of humanity.

Photo Credit: Jasmin Tzerelshtein

Picking out gifts can be quite stressful, especially if you are buying for your girlfriend. It’s because you know that in the back of your mind if you get your chick the wrong present you might not get laid until Easter. What do girls like anyways? They are so complicated. Now a man, that’s easy. Here’s a hint for you gals: Need a great gift idea for your man? Blow him. That’s right, give the old Scrooge a bah humjob! Right under the tree. And then leave him the fuck alone! It’s cheaper than a sweater and he will thank you for it later. Where do you think the term “ho ho ho” came from anyways? Jesus? WRONG! BLOW HIM! Unwrap his package and don’t forget to jingle his balls.

Photo Credit: Jasmin Tzerelshtein

And then there are the Jews. Half of my band are Jewish and come from families that celebrate Hanukkah. I have witnessed this phenomenon from afar since we were kids but I never really understood it. “What do tiny hats, spinning tops and lighting candles have to do with the almighty?” I asked myself. So being the cultured gent that I am, I Wikipedia’d that shit. Apparently, it is an 8-day holiday commemorating the rededication of the Holy Temple in Jerusalem after a successful revolt against the Seleucid monarchy in the Second Century.

I stumbled across the website LidsForYids.com (yeah, it exists) and apparently the tiny hats are actually called Yarmulkes or Kippot, and are worn to protect Jewish heads from the glorious light of god. Apparently the light of god is more intense and harmful than any tanning bed or UV ray imaginable and they have not yet invented holy-SPF 50 or larger hats.

As for the Jewish spinning top or Dredle: give them a break, they didn’t have Xbox in the second century, faggots.

And the craziest Jewish custom of all, the Menorah: Commemorating the time when the Jews found only enough ritually pure olive oil to light the menorah for one day, but the supply lasted eight days until a new supply could be obtained. I don’t mean to be racist, but does it surprise anyone else that this Jewish holiday seems to be based loosely around fuel economy!?

Photo Credit: Jasmin Tzerelshtein

OY VEY! This world is full of so many different cultures and different people. It’s hard to find common ground in the confusion of the holidays. But at least at the end of the month we all have a similar experience, don’t we? New years. We all seem to get up to the same shit no matter what the culture. We spend new years eve binge drinking and promising to do more sit ups, and spend new years day hungover in sweat pants and severe discomfort.

However you decide to spend the holidays, try to make time for yourself and the people that you care about. Eat a good meal, spend time with friends and family, and enjoy yourself (masturbate)!

Happy holidays!

From Spence and the rest of Fatality!

Drop by our facebook page for a few more holiday photos, and check out our merch store for some holiday deals on our shwag

Merch Store: http://fatalitymerch.bigcartel.com
Holiday Photos: http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150443301814902.366851.97224729901&type=3

Photo Credit: Jasmin Tzerelshtein

Photo credits: Jasmin Tzerelshtein

Monday, October 24, 2011

Back to Weekend Tours: Announcing the November Hangover Concert Series

Hello friends,

How are you? You look great. Us Fatality mothers have a few exciting announcements regarding the next few months.

Spencer at Cafe Chaos in Montreal

But first, I would like to thank everyone who came out and hung out with us on our recent line of gigs in Montreal, St. Hyacinthe, Ottawa and Oshawa. God damn what a time!! All the gigs were smashing and successful. We got to play with some great bands, hang out with great friends and just generally be shit heads abroad. We all had some great times with Eternal Judgment, Powered by Death, Accursed Spawn, Punk Legends D.O.A., and Reanimator as well as many more great bands. A lot of booze and laughter were involved.

We have been busy beavers in our jam space (A.K.A the Laboratory) on some piping hot new material. We keep saying we are going to take a break off playing gigs to free up some time for songwriting but it’s in our nature to play. We feel at our best when we are performing and it keeps us inspired to create more heavy, groovy, dope-ass, headbangin’, ball breakin’, earth quakin’ tracks to share with all the people who have enriched our lives so much.

Poster for October 30th show

So we booked a few gigs for Halloween weekend with our friends in Untimely Demise. First off in Hamilton October 27^th (THIS THURSDAY) at This Ain’t Hollywood http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=231117223609967. And a second show in Toronto October 30^th at the Hard Luck. I am particularly excited about this gig for several reasons. First off, the show starts off with free Tacos for all. Yep. Free tacos. Dig? Secondly, the bands are fabulous. Along with the fabulous Sask thrash outfit Untimely Demise, we are playing with War Ensemble which is a Slayer tribute band featuring members of Fatality, 3tards, Jaw and on drums is my older brother Mason LeVon. Thirdly, The night will be helped along by Eric of Ashlee Blade and his 2 acts: Ashlee Smashley, where he demolishes random assortments of objects for everyone, and his second act: Ashlee Blade's Microwave of Science, where he puts crazy shit into microwaves to our sheer amazement! This will also be the last night that the Hard Luck will be functioning out of that location and into a to be determined location downtown, so we are going to see it off in style: Staggering drunk and full of taco meat.

These gigs are merely an appetizer for the string of gigs we have in November that will be taking us all the way to Halifax!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present you..

The Fatality November Hangover Concert Series:

Nov 11: London, ON @ Richmond Tavern

Nov 17: Fredericton, NB @ F-studio

Nov 18: Saint John, NB @ Pub Down Under

Nov 19: Dartmouth, NS @ CD Heaven (All Ages)

Nov 19: Halifax, NS @ Gus's Pub

Nov 20: Moncton, NB @ Plan B

Nov 25: Toronto, ON @ Annex Wreckroom w/ the 3tards

God Damn! I am so excited to meet up with the friends we made on our first tour, but almost more excited in meeting more amazing east coast animals. We will also have some new material to break in, and what better time to sharpen these weapons than on the road to mayhem.

So I hope to see you all on our journeys! And in the words of poet and O.G gangster Ice-T: Let's Get Butt Naked and Fuck.

Spencer

Video of T.F.E.S. live from Ottawa Metal Festival at Cafe Dekcuf!

Untimely Demise Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Untimely-Demise/118300404870359

Pictures from show at Cafe Chaos in Montreal October 13th: (to view them all click here)

Eytan and Suarez at Cafe Chaos in Montreal

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

Fatality Fall News!

Well folks. the summer is over and all we are left with is fall. A wet silent reminder of what is to come. The days of the short skirt, tank top and those wonderful black yoga pants that girls wear that are so revealing in the buttock-region you can almost visually see what she ate for last night dinner are dead as dog dirt.

Fatality enjoyed a fabulously successful summer of touring, and its all thanks to the countless good friends that extended a helping hand in the process. I am so proud to have played with most of the American and Canadian metal bands that I have loved and respected from a far, but am even more proud to now call them friends.

As the leaves change, as do our musical gears. Over the past few months we have shifted into writing mode, and I must say, we are churning out the strongest material we have ever created. This new stuff is fast, hooky and technical. Did I mention HEAVY? The culmination of these written works will be a new album in the future. At this point I think it is safe to say that the new material is such a huge step forward for us it will make our first album "Beers for the Grave" sound like the fuckin' Partridge Family.

As much fun as we are having writing new music to be shared with the world, us Fatality boys are never happy unless we are performing. It's what we do. So we thought we would book a few mini-tours to satisfy the voices in out heads that beg for more beer crushing chaos.

The dates are as follows:

October 13: Montreal @ Cafe Chaos w/ Murtenscythe and Eternal Judgment... http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=256955794347257&notif_t=event_invite

October 14: St Hyacinthe @ Bar Le Trash w/ Alcoholator for Amy's B-day... http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=286858378008745

October 15: Ottawa @ Dekcuf... http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=172345019493559

October 16: Oshawa @ The Atria... http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=273091292709296&ref=ts
Second upcoming Mini-tour (Halloween tour)

October 27th: Hamilton, ON @ This Ain't Hollywood w/ Untimely Demise + Headliner TBA

October 28th: Book us!!
October 29th: Book us!!

October 30: Toronto @ Hard Luck w/ Untimely Demise + War Ensemble http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=138810049551385

Third upcoming mini-tour:

November 11th: London, ON @Richmond Tavern

November 12th: Hamilton, ON @ TBA

We also have a Canadian East coast tour in the works. More details to come!

If we are playing in a city near you, mark it down on your calenders, and take some time out of the rat race to enjoy some live music before the snow sets in and we are all completely fucked. What do you say?

We also have a new Merch Store coming soon with new patches and pins in all different designs

And as always please download our TFES 20011 Demo at fatality.bandcamp.com Its free idnit!?!?!

-Spencer LeVon

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Western Annihilation Days 26-30: Final Week

Driving in Arizona

So far on this tour, we have been in this godforsaken van for roughly 150 hours. That’s about 5 days in a row innit? Damn, that’s a lot of time to reflect on how awful I am, while simultaneously smelling other peoples flatulents.

One of the hardest drives was to Phoenix, Arizona. It is the kind of heat that just makes you want to weep openly in front of all of strangers. The kind of humid thick heat that makes you sluggish, shiny and uncomfortable. We still managed to maintain some optimism because we were headed for the Inner City Youth Centre to play with one of our favorite bands on the planet: Vektor. For those who don’t know, Vektor is a fantastic 4 piece metal band that plays a very unusual and progressive style of thrash metal. Nothing better then playing a set and then sitting back with a few Millers and watching one of the best bands on the continent. The Vektor boys were also nice enough to let us stay at their house, which was a treat. The bass player Frank entertained the shit out of us by blowing up beer cans in the backyard with his assortment of weapons.

Skippy trying to beat the heat in Arizona.. (chin)

Our next gig would prove to be the most unique show of our tour without a single doubt. We had a gig at the Amped Performance Centre in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Apparently last minute the Venue cancelled for any number of reasons so we were without a goddamn venue. The guitar player Amanda from the Albuquerque’s all girl 3 piece Suspended decided to have the show in her living room instead. So we headed through this Mexican neighborhood that looked like the set from Steven King's “The Stand”. We finally made it to the house and were met by a bunch of really cool Mexican metal fans. Everyone was extremely warm and inviting. We all shot the shit, ate good BBQ and drank cold beers. Shortly after Suspended set up in the living room and turned the hell up. I was impressed to say the least. The band is made up of 3 cute Mexican chicks but they had enough crushing heaviness and groove to power a Mexican prison. I was so much happier at this house party than I ever would have been at any venue. When you are playing a concert theatre it is always so formal. It was a nice change of pace to play for everyone in a relaxed social setting.

Playing at Amanda's house in Albuquerque

This last leg of the tour was unreal. The next day we got to play with thrash metal superstars: Havok in their hometown of Denver, Colorado. Most of the fellas live in a townhouse with the singer Dave Sanchez’s mom Sara. What a great place. We got there to meet the band and get a little comfortable. Sara had some amazing green chili and homemade salsa waiting for us. I scarfed down a few bowls of the stuff like the remorseful fatgirl that I am. It was such a treat to have a metal mom to take care of us. The things you miss on the road, man. A good home cooked meal ranks in the top 5 for sure. Especially after eating nothing but road food with the nutritional value of socks all month. My skin is starting to get that yellowish hue to it, you know? I look more and more like Nelson from the Simpsons every single day. Ha Ha!

The show was at this cool spot called Moe's Original BBQ. It was a fair sized room with a full bar and the best BBQ I have ever had. The other side of the club was a bowling alley. They should have skipped out on the bowling and put in a roman vomitorium so I could manage to fill my fat head with more slow cooked meat.

Nice sombrero Suarez! You really fit the stereotype well..

We couldn’t have asked for better openers. The first band was called The Sex and the band was comprised of Dave Sanchez’s brother Steve, Reece from Havok and a dynamite Bass player. They played some blues and heavy funk that really set a relaxed tone for the rest of the night. After them was a band Extreme Turbo Smash. They are a metal act that dress up in giant mascot costumes and rock way too fuckin' hard. Within the first song the singer who was dressed up as a panda had already jumped off the stage and was flailing around on the floor in front of everyone. At one point a giant man shaped puppy got a bit too much backward momentum and went right through a guitar cabinet and went flying into the drum set. Pandemonium.

Apollo.. The coolest dog on the planet (Chicago)

By the time we hit the stage the crowd was nice and hot. We went out and played our hearts out. I think the set went fabulously.

After us was Havok. Man, these guys are pros. They could open for any major label metal band and still contend. There was a kind of pure power and energy that they exert that made me want to take months worth of music lessons then jump in front of a bus.

Then it was off to our last show of the entire tour: Chicago. The show was looking real promising. We were to play another DIY punk venue for a fair sized crowd. When we got to the venue at 6 we were told that the venue had cancelled because one of the tenants “didn’t want a show to happen tonight.” Thanks for the heads up bub. But if you didn’t want concerts happening at your place on a weekend, maybe you shouldn’t live in a fucking venue, comprendez-vous? The show was moved last second to a room on the other side of the stupid city in a delapitated brick structure in the back of a Mexican restaurant. I'm not even joking. What a nightmare. And at this point it was getting real late. Also, the co-headliners Mortifier who we played with on our last east coast show noticed that their van had no brakes as they were on the highway to the gig, so they didn’t make it, and barely made it out with their lives. Also, one of the band member’s girlfriends got injured and had to go to the hospital. So far this gig had the appeal and general comfort of prison rape. Chicago crowds are amazing though, I must say. We still had a room of rabid kids going nuts throughout the entire set. There was crowd surfing on boogie boards and beer bongs galore. The show went really well considering how bleak it was looking before hand. At one point I remember looking into the crowd and seeing a Russian man completely butt naked with his cock hanging out for all to see moshing, crowd surfing, and just having a great time in general. His name was Alex and we decided to stay at his place where the nudity continued.

Eytan with his dumb nerf guns at Alex's house

When we got to naked boy Alex’s house his roommates were having an ecstasy party. I’ve never seen anything like it outside of the movies. There were people dancing everywhere with dilated eyes. I went into the basement where there was a rave going on with a live DJ and crazy lights. A skinny fella with no shirt on approached me and asked, “Would you mind if I touched your hair.” I replied with “Absolutely.” And headed upstairs. I found a nice comfortable seat, drank a few American beers and watched the show. I had a great time. It all seemed surreal at certain points in the night. Alex and his roommates were so wonderful to us and even let us stay an extra day.

Oh how many bugs we've killed...

Tour is such a strange thing. As any touring band will tell you, tour is like hitting the fast forward button on your life. Every night there is a new city, a new crowd, a new couch, a new beer, a new friend and a new story. I have crammed a years worth of experiences into a month of insanity. Right now we are driving down the highway to our home in Toronto. Back to regular life. Back to the grind. Back to bills, rent, work and public transportation. I will admit to be happy to be heading home somewhat. Familiar territory. Reality.

As sick as it is, I am usually much happier in chaos. I also really like the idea of partying for a living. And I do have a sense of accomplishment that we have conquered most of the continent this year and it makes me exited to head for bigger and better things. I can’t wait to get back on tour to meet with all of the friends we have met along the way.

Peace, Sisters and Brothers

Spence